1
00:00:34,401 --> 00:00:36,092
Right. We've a lot to
get through tonight,

2
00:00:36,162 --> 00:00:38,649
so can I ask you all
NOT to waste time

3
00:00:38,749 --> 00:00:41,440
with the traditional
distractions, repetitions

4
00:00:41,540 --> 00:00:42,674
and general annoyances

5
00:00:42,774 --> 00:00:45,888
that are the usual content
of these parish council meetings?

6
00:00:45,988 --> 00:00:49,871
Good idea. You're the boss.
Excellent!

7
00:00:51,358 --> 00:00:53,668
Ready, Frank?
Absolutely.

8
00:00:53,768 --> 00:00:58,101
Bravo! Point one -
the gala night.

9
00:00:58,201 --> 00:01:00,146
I thought St Valentine's Day,

10
00:01:00,246 --> 00:01:02,671
with profits going to the
upkeep of the village hall.

11
00:01:03,634 --> 00:01:04,968
Happy with that, Jim?

12
00:01:05,068 --> 00:01:06,603
Yes. Marvellous.

13
00:01:06,703 --> 00:01:09,525
'Father?'
Later, Hugo.

14
00:01:09,625 --> 00:01:12,730
I didn't say anything.
What do you mean?

15
00:01:12,830 --> 00:01:15,101
'Father? Father?'

16
00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:17,369
Oh, no!

17
00:01:17,469 --> 00:01:20,025
It's a dream, isn't it?

18
00:01:20,125 --> 00:01:23,767
Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

19
00:01:25,061 --> 00:01:29,231
Father? Father?
Time for the council meeting.

20
00:01:29,705 --> 00:01:32,362
Oh, God.
Highlight of the week.

21
00:01:32,462 --> 00:01:37,768
You're the saddest person in
the kingdom...including Rolf Harris.

22
00:01:39,593 --> 00:01:42,153
Right, we've a lot to
get through tonight..

23
00:01:42,253 --> 00:01:44,686
Oh, sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything?

24
00:01:44,786 --> 00:01:47,656
No, we'd just started.
I was saying...

25
00:01:47,756 --> 00:01:49,400
Is there a lot
to get through tonight?

26
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,050
Yes there is...

27
00:01:51,150 --> 00:01:54,920
Can we try to do it without
all the distractions,

28
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:58,140
repetitions and
general annoyances

29
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:02,427
that are the usual content of these
parish council meetings? Quite.

30
00:02:02,527 --> 00:02:05,514
Good point Vicar.
The way I see it, a slightly firmer hand

31
00:02:05,614 --> 00:02:08,139
on the rudder
might get us finished quicker.

32
00:02:08,239 --> 00:02:11,351
Do you want to take a
vote on that? -On what?

33
00:02:11,451 --> 00:02:15,521
On the proposition by the vicar,
seconded by Mr Newitt -

34
00:02:15,621 --> 00:02:18,585
That there should be
'a slightly firmer hand on the rudder'

35
00:02:18,685 --> 00:02:21,343
Of course we don't want to take
a vote on it!

36
00:02:21,722 --> 00:02:24,499
Right...
All those in favour of not voting?

37
00:02:26,549 --> 00:02:30,043
That's one.
All those in favour of a vote?

38
00:02:31,782 --> 00:02:34,605
Carried overwhelmingly.

39
00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:35,251
For god sake!

40
00:02:35,351 --> 00:02:38,464
This is exactly the kind of
interruption we want to avoid!

41
00:02:38,564 --> 00:02:41,273
O, well, I thought you meant
the kind of thing,

42
00:02:41,373 --> 00:02:46,295
like where, you know,
you're talking about Owen's cattle

43
00:02:46,395 --> 00:02:50,366
and I think you're
talking about Owen's kettle.

44
00:02:52,430 --> 00:02:55,494
And I say, "I'll lend him mine...

45
00:02:55,594 --> 00:03:01,063
"BUT,
it's fused at the moment."

46
00:03:02,246 --> 00:03:03,624
Yes.

47
00:03:04,085 --> 00:03:09,497
Well, that kind of thing can be
pretty annoying too. Moving on...

48
00:03:09,597 --> 00:03:13,056
Your kettle really not working, Jim?
Yes...

49
00:03:13,156 --> 00:03:15,517
It's absolutely knackered.

50
00:03:15,617 --> 00:03:19,090
I'll lend you mine...
at a very reasonable price.

51
00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:22,248
Stop it right there!

52
00:03:27,523 --> 00:03:30,117
Point one...

53
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,019
The date of the gala night.

54
00:03:33,119 --> 00:03:37,058
I thought Valentine's Day -
February 14th.

55
00:03:37,158 --> 00:03:40,752
Yeah, sounds fine to me.
Thank God for that!

56
00:03:40,852 --> 00:03:44,362
So long as you don't mind it being
on the same day as the cattle show.

57
00:03:44,462 --> 00:03:46,456
Oh, are we having a KETTLE show?

58
00:03:48,237 --> 00:03:52,634
Very well. February 15th.
Old folks' Valentine dinner.

59
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:57,406
16th. Old folks' Valentine dinner.
I thought that was the 15th!

60
00:03:57,506 --> 00:04:00,112
Yes, but so many of the old dears
forget the first one,

61
00:04:00,212 --> 00:04:02,110
we always have another
the nex day.

62
00:04:02,497 --> 00:04:05,874
Very well, then,
the 17th...

63
00:04:05,974 --> 00:04:08,513
Old folks' Valentine dinner.

64
00:04:08,613 --> 00:04:12,614
A third one?!
No, just teasing. Gotcha!

65
00:04:17,771 --> 00:04:22,273
Very well, the 17th it is.

66
00:04:22,373 --> 00:04:26,197
Yep! So long as you don't mind us
missing Hugo's wedding.

67
00:04:28,797 --> 00:04:32,671
I do hate you all very deeply.

68
00:04:34,248 --> 00:04:36,600
Right, so that's settled.

69
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:41,728
Valentine gala night
is on November 23rd.

70
00:04:44,164 --> 00:04:46,195
Anything else?

71
00:04:46,295 --> 00:04:49,400
No. No. No. No. No. No...

72
00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:51,461
No.

73
00:04:53,490 --> 00:04:57,342
Very well. Item two...
Oh!

74
00:04:57,615 --> 00:04:59,249
There was just one other thing.

75
00:04:59,349 --> 00:05:03,569
I don't think I can make
November 23rd.

76
00:05:04,267 --> 00:05:05,491
Oh, God help me.

77
00:05:05,591 --> 00:05:07,382
Sorry.
I've just checked my diary.

78
00:05:07,482 --> 00:05:12,400
Actually, your original suggestion
of Valentine's Day IS in fact fine.

79
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,297
Becouse the cattle show
is the week before.

80
00:05:14,497 --> 00:05:15,754
Silly me.
Sorry.

81
00:05:18,774 --> 00:05:20,447
Moving on...

82
00:05:20,547 --> 00:05:24,074
We can at least agree the money
will go to the upkeep of the hall.

83
00:05:24,174 --> 00:05:26,181
No......!

84
00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:29,439
No.. Can't it go to something
we feel passionate about?

85
00:05:29,539 --> 00:05:30,532
Yes!

86
00:05:30,632 --> 00:05:33,429
Like what for instance?
-Ulrika Jonsson.

87
00:05:35,937 --> 00:05:39,300
Jim and I are
very passionate about her.

88
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:44,361
She can climb on my "Travelator"
any old time.

89
00:05:46,954 --> 00:05:51,052
No, Jim. I was thinking more
of a village nursery.

90
00:05:51,152 --> 00:05:53,361
I just think It's very important
to get the toddlers interested

91
00:05:53,461 --> 00:05:55,080
in reading and writing
when they're very young.

92
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:56,641
Oh, what Nonsense!

93
00:05:56,741 --> 00:05:59,806
I had a charming farm hand for years
who couldn't read a single word.

94
00:05:59,906 --> 00:06:01,207
It never did him any harm.

95
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,349
A part for that time
he couldn't read the sign -

96
00:06:03,449 --> 00:06:05,424
saying
"Caution! Faulty Chain Saw."

97
00:06:06,906 --> 00:06:08,825
It cut off his nose
and one of his hands.

98
00:06:08,925 --> 00:06:12,222
Dad had to go to court and...
-The nursery it is!

99
00:06:16,487 --> 00:06:17,969
Hello!

100
00:06:18,876 --> 00:06:22,139
Alice.
One second, please, caller.

101
00:06:22,239 --> 00:06:22,653
..Yeah?

102
00:06:22,753 --> 00:06:25,147
Could you please let me
answer my own phone?

103
00:06:25,247 --> 00:06:27,731
I'm sorry.
..Sorry.

104
00:06:29,610 --> 00:06:32,999
I didn't mean hang up!
Oh, sorry!

105
00:06:33,099 --> 00:06:35,173
Oh, no, they've gone.

106
00:06:35,524 --> 00:06:38,109
Of course they've gone!
Because you hung up.

107
00:06:38,664 --> 00:06:40,294
Leave it!

108
00:06:47,625 --> 00:06:49,485
Hello, Geraldine Granger here.

109
00:06:49,585 --> 00:06:52,455
..Right.
..It's for you.

110
00:06:53,842 --> 00:06:55,124
Hello!

111
00:06:56,096 --> 00:06:59,742
Oh..Yeah, yeah, right, yeah!
I'll be straight home. Bye!

112
00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:02,454
That was just my mum
reminding me Sister Wendy's on.

113
00:07:02,554 --> 00:07:04,280
She's lovely don't you think!

114
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,744
Yes, she reminds me of Ken Dodd.

115
00:07:07,959 --> 00:07:11,705
I do sometimes wonder what the hell
she thinks she's doing on TV,

116
00:07:11,805 --> 00:07:17,315
pointing at the knobs on statues.
"Good Lord, that's nice, isn't it?"

117
00:07:18,215 --> 00:07:22,373
People don't feel they exist unless
they're on TV or in the papers.

118
00:07:24,770 --> 00:07:26,386
Hello, vicarage!

119
00:07:27,931 --> 00:07:29,632
..Right.

120
00:07:30,715 --> 00:07:34,569
..Right. (What?!)
..Right, I'll ask her.

121
00:07:34,769 --> 00:07:38,005
It's 'The Times of London',
and they heard you on Radio Dibley.

122
00:07:38,105 --> 00:07:39,983
and wonder if they can
do a feature on you.

123
00:07:40,098 --> 00:07:43,760
No! No!
The answer is no!

124
00:07:43,848 --> 00:07:46,220
I am a vicar.
I am NOT a celebrity.

125
00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:48,119
They'd pay you 500 quid.

126
00:07:48,219 --> 00:07:51,745
Yes! Yes!
An unequivocal yes.

127
00:07:52,721 --> 00:07:56,576
Item six, the Gala night,
Idea's for content??

128
00:07:56,676 --> 00:08:00,116
No-no, y-yes!
I saw this film the other night..

129
00:08:00,216 --> 00:08:02,609
'The Full Monty'

130
00:08:05,092 --> 00:08:08,746
You get some music,
I'll take all my clothes off.

131
00:08:11,195 --> 00:08:13,785
And that would be entertaining,
would it?

132
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,212
To be sure they'd
get their money's worth,

133
00:08:16,312 --> 00:08:18,789
I'm taking off
my truss and everything.

134
00:08:21,564 --> 00:08:25,425
Good idea. I'm intending
to do my impression, sir.

135
00:08:25,925 --> 00:08:29,080
"How do? How are you diddling?"

136
00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:31,070
And who's that?

137
00:08:31,328 --> 00:08:33,208
My grandfather.

138
00:08:35,425 --> 00:08:38,533
Right.
Owen.., any ideas?

139
00:08:38,633 --> 00:08:42,227
Well, I might be able to talk the duck
into a return performance.

140
00:08:42,327 --> 00:08:44,343
Oh..!

141
00:08:45,090 --> 00:08:49,093
I-I did have one idea,
but it's in the formative stages.

142
00:08:49,193 --> 00:08:53,683
I suppose I could give it a dry run.
Yes! Fire away, Hugo.

143
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:57,753
Well... I come on stage
in some sort of costume. Mmm.

144
00:08:57,853 --> 00:09:00,013
Haven't quite decided what. Mmm.

145
00:09:02,664 --> 00:09:04,127
And...?

146
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,484
Well, no, that's as far as I've got.

147
00:09:07,504 --> 00:09:11,308
It's very much in the early stages
of development. Yes, well...yes.

148
00:09:11,408 --> 00:09:13,172
Well. Very good, Hugo.

149
00:09:13,272 --> 00:09:15,769
Thanks. I can't deny,
I'm pretty excited. Yes.

150
00:09:16,081 --> 00:09:18,561
Any other business?
There certainly is!

151
00:09:19,161 --> 00:09:23,700
I'd like to congratulate the
vicar on her feature in The Times.

152
00:09:24,179 --> 00:09:28,578
Hear! Hear! Oh, thank you, Frank.
I like The Times. Yeah.

153
00:09:28,678 --> 00:09:30,479
It's not too rough on the buttocks.

154
00:09:35,035 --> 00:09:36,860
I should have to say
it was very good fun,

155
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,935
and they did give me
500 QUID towards the nursery.

156
00:09:40,035 --> 00:09:40,962
I say.. 500!

157
00:09:41,062 --> 00:09:44,064
Don't worry,
my media career stops here.

158
00:09:44,164 --> 00:09:46,743
My place is in the pulpit,
not in the papers.

159
00:09:54,231 --> 00:09:57,169
Hello. Dibley vicarage.
Can I help you?

160
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,075
..Oh, I'll ask her,

161
00:10:01,175 --> 00:10:05,714
but I'm afraid she's gonna say
no, her media career is over.

162
00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:09,653
Who is it? The people from
Terry Wogan's Pause For Thought.

163
00:10:09,753 --> 00:10:13,571
They read your article and
like you to come over. -Oh!

164
00:10:13,771 --> 00:10:14,831
Um...

165
00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:16,896
Ah...I...

166
00:10:16,996 --> 00:10:20,467
No... No, wait, wait,...!
Um...

167
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:22,279
It would be quite good.

168
00:10:22,379 --> 00:10:24,419
Um...um...

169
00:10:24,519 --> 00:10:27,001
No, wait, wait, wait!

170
00:10:29,256 --> 00:10:31,413
It would be really good.

171
00:10:32,624 --> 00:10:35,451
I'm, you know, doing this...

172
00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:37,313
Go on, then!

173
00:10:37,413 --> 00:10:39,658
Hello! Geraldine Granger here.

174
00:10:40,747 --> 00:10:42,215
..Thanks!

175
00:10:42,534 --> 00:10:45,276
..Yeah, thanks.
When would you want me?

176
00:10:45,476 --> 00:10:48,400
..Tomorrow morning? Good Lord.
Somebody dropped out?

177
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,408
..Dropped dead? Oh, dear.

178
00:10:51,608 --> 00:10:55,891
Right,..Well, that in itself gives one
Pause For Thought, doesn't it?

179
00:10:55,991 --> 00:10:58,272
Ha-ha-ha! You see?!
Ha-ha-ha...

180
00:10:58,611 --> 00:11:04,205
..Yes, OK. Thanks very much. And
big, licky love to Tezza. Thank you.

181
00:11:04,841 --> 00:11:11,650
"Pause For Thought",
"Pause For Thought"...

182
00:11:13,250 --> 00:11:15,693
I thought you weren't going to do
any more of that. Really?

183
00:11:15,793 --> 00:11:19,098
What gave you that idea?
Hello. Hi, Hugie.

184
00:11:21,460 --> 00:11:26,344
Hello, Hugo! Guess who's going
on Terry Wogan's show tomorrow?

185
00:11:26,916 --> 00:11:28,010
Terry Wogan...

186
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:33,396
No, apart from
Terry Wogan. -Pa-pa-pa-.

187
00:11:33,499 --> 00:11:37,964
Don't know. All right, a clue -
only your favourite vicar. Ha-ha-ha!

188
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:40,459
Archbishop Tutu's going on Wogan?

189
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,873
No, me, me, me!

190
00:11:43,973 --> 00:11:47,373
I'm doing Pause For Thought
on Terry Wogan's show.

191
00:11:48,684 --> 00:11:52,728
Oh, by the way, just in case
you haven't got a thought... I have.

192
00:11:52,828 --> 00:11:54,895
..I've got quite a good one. Right.

193
00:11:54,995 --> 00:11:58,070
I was thinking,
wouldn't it be lovely

194
00:11:58,170 --> 00:12:01,215
if some kittens were actually born
with pink fur?

195
00:12:02,214 --> 00:12:04,728
So you didn't have to paint them
pink yourself.

196
00:12:06,444 --> 00:12:09,040
Yeah. Thanks for that.
That's all right.

197
00:12:09,774 --> 00:12:14,235
Just imagine it. Tomorrow morning,
me and Tezza, face to face.

198
00:12:14,435 --> 00:12:17,516
"Bejabers and top of the mornin'
to you, Geraldine."

199
00:12:17,616 --> 00:12:19,316
-Is Terry Welsh there?

200
00:12:20,441 --> 00:12:22,310
Beam me up, Scotty.

201
00:12:23,165 --> 00:12:26,481

from your heart...

202
00:12:26,581 --> 00:12:33,547
'..The pleasing baritone of Alison
Moyet. Now, let's Pause For Thought.

203
00:12:33,647 --> 00:12:37,697
'Today, it's a she-vicar - Geraldine
Granger.' 'Hello, Terry.'

204
00:12:37,797 --> 00:12:41,546
'What's your keen
brain been working on?'

205
00:12:41,646 --> 00:12:48,050
'Well, a cause very close
to my heart is nursery schools.

206
00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:51,868
'I mean, surely everyone
should be able to read and write.

207
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:54,208
'Except Edwina Currie, of course.

208
00:12:54,308 --> 00:12:55,703
'i mean,
if she writes another novel,

209
00:12:55,803 --> 00:12:58,391
we should lop her arms off
immediately.'

210
00:12:58,691 --> 00:13:00,469
Ha-ha-ha!

211
00:13:00,569 --> 00:13:04,393
Slippery slope, I tell you.
Slippery slope.

212
00:13:11,836 --> 00:13:14,655
Oh, sorry.
That's all right, No harm done.

213
00:13:14,824 --> 00:13:19,043
Wait a minute..... Wait a
cotton-picking, tutu-wearing minute.

214
00:13:19,143 --> 00:13:21,787
It's Darcey Bussell.
-That's right.

215
00:13:23,551 --> 00:13:26,433
This is very, very exciting!

216
00:13:27,017 --> 00:13:30,741
It's Darcey Bussell!
You know, plie, plie, bun, plie.

217
00:13:32,997 --> 00:13:37,481
You are my most favourite dancer
in the entire world. Thank you.

218
00:13:37,581 --> 00:13:40,019
I actually very nearly
became a ballerina myself.

219
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,060
You can probably
tell by my decolletage.

220
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:46,341
Just my ballet teacher said that
unfortunately my ankle was too bendy.

221
00:13:47,996 --> 00:13:51,355
Thousands of us in the Church
all started off as dancers.

222
00:13:51,755 --> 00:13:53,635
Terry Waite, for example.

223
00:13:55,270 --> 00:13:58,193
He spent the first 20 years
of his life in pink tights.

224
00:13:59,483 --> 00:14:03,397
This is Alice. Ignore her. Oh...
So, Darcey Bussell!

225
00:14:03,497 --> 00:14:05,995
What are you doing here?
I've been doing Pause For Thought.

226
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,090
I heard it in the car,
it was brilliant.

227
00:14:08,190 --> 00:14:09,454
Thank you!

228
00:14:10,036 --> 00:14:12,442
If there's ever anything I can do
in getting the nursery,

229
00:14:12,542 --> 00:14:16,250
please count me in.
You're sickening, aren't you?

230
00:14:16,574 --> 00:14:20,885
The best dancer in the universe
AND a lovely personality as well.

231
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:22,652
You don't mind me
calling you Darcey?

232
00:14:22,752 --> 00:14:23,874
No no, not at all.

233
00:14:23,974 --> 00:14:26,782
And you can call me D'Geraldine,
if you like!

234
00:14:28,897 --> 00:14:32,734
It's a little joke! Excuse me.
Could I have your autograph?

235
00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:34,443
What?
I heard you on Terry

236
00:14:34,543 --> 00:14:36,400
and I thought you were
absolutely brilliant.

237
00:14:38,087 --> 00:14:39,036
Um...

238
00:14:40,131 --> 00:14:43,934
Well...s'pose I'll have to
get used to this sort of thing.

239
00:14:44,407 --> 00:14:46,190
The price of fame, eh?

240
00:14:46,290 --> 00:14:50,177
Won't be a sec, Carol. I'm just
getting Alison Moyet's autograph.

241
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,974
Goodbye.
Actually she's not... Shut it!

242
00:14:59,021 --> 00:15:03,524
Alison...Moy-et.

243
00:15:03,624 --> 00:15:08,665
You wouldn't just sing a song
for me, would you? No, not today.

244
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:11,947
I've completely
lost my voice you see.

245
00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:20,188
- Item two, Jim.
- I'd like to congratulate the vicar

246
00:15:20,288 --> 00:15:23,511
on her performance
on 'Pause For Thought'.

247
00:15:23,611 --> 00:15:25,100
Here, here!

248
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,414
- And Any Questions.
- And Countdown.

249
00:15:29,591 --> 00:15:31,388
And Noel's Houseparty.

250
00:15:31,488 --> 00:15:33,857
Oh, stop, stop, stop!

251
00:15:33,957 --> 00:15:39,131
Noel wants to make Find The Vicar's
Knickers a regular slot. Amazing!

252
00:15:39,569 --> 00:15:43,238
Let's move on to the gala.
Any progress there,

253
00:15:43,338 --> 00:15:48,161
Or is the climax of our show still
Owen and his amazing farting duck?

254
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:55,597
And what news on tickets, Frank?
Tickets aren't going too well.

255
00:15:55,758 --> 00:16:01,481
Not sold out? Not sold any.
But don't panic. It could be worse.

256
00:16:01,581 --> 00:16:06,174
What's worse than not selling any
tickets at all? Selling one ticket.

257
00:16:08,779 --> 00:16:11,577
But selling it to a serial killer.

258
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:15,446
No, no, no. That's right.

259
00:16:15,546 --> 00:16:19,414
Who comes on the stage
and slits all our throats.

260
00:16:19,514 --> 00:16:25,546
And then leaves us all
in a great pool of blood.

261
00:16:26,357 --> 00:16:30,649
Does anyone actually have
this serial killer's address?

262
00:16:31,597 --> 00:16:35,040
Don't worry, everybody.
Rev to the rescue as usual.

263
00:16:35,140 --> 00:16:39,804
I'm doing rather an important
spread for one of the Sunday papes.

264
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:45,453
I'll mentch our little show and
we'll get loads of peeps in. Bravo!

265
00:16:45,553 --> 00:16:48,143
I thought you said no more media.

266
00:16:48,243 --> 00:16:50,881
Yes, I did,
and this is positively my last.

267
00:16:50,981 --> 00:16:55,976
Apart from the photo shoot
for Vogue...and Loaded.

268
00:16:57,833 --> 00:17:00,115
And What Car?

269
00:17:00,590 --> 00:17:05,510
I hope you know what you're doing.
Yes, thank you, David. I think I do.

270
00:17:30,730 --> 00:17:35,378
How did the interview go?
Well, I think I grooved.

271
00:17:35,478 --> 00:17:38,989
What Im talking about, "I think?"
...-I was a total triumph!

272
00:17:39,481 --> 00:17:41,548
The journalist is coming
to speak to people about

273
00:17:41,648 --> 00:17:46,741
-SAINT Geraldine of Dibley.
Yes, that IS the headline.

274
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:50,163
Yeah.. I tell you, kids,
if I don't watch out,

275
00:17:50,263 --> 00:17:54,153
Im going to turn into the most famous
religious personality in the country.

276
00:17:54,253 --> 00:17:58,931
More famous than Jesus? No,
not as famous as Jesus, obviously.

277
00:17:59,031 --> 00:18:00,790
He's had longer to work on his act.

278
00:18:01,169 --> 00:18:05,809
But as for Sister Wendy -
out of the pool, tooth-girl!

279
00:18:06,009 --> 00:18:12,357
Oh! I love the way you're famous,
but you haven't changed at all!

280
00:18:21,331 --> 00:18:23,385
Morning, vicar.
I-I got the paper.

281
00:18:23,485 --> 00:18:27,946
Oh-h! Exciting! My moment of glory.
What's it like? What's it like?

282
00:18:28,046 --> 00:18:33,219
Well, it's not exactly
what I expected. Oh, my...

283
00:18:33,319 --> 00:18:35,636
God knows how this happened.

284
00:18:36,036 --> 00:18:41,548
What's the story, Frank? Well, he
asked for crazy anecdotes about you,

285
00:18:41,648 --> 00:18:44,202
and I told him about
the service for animals,

286
00:18:44,302 --> 00:18:47,193
and you dressing up as
an Easter bunny. Right.

287
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:50,934
And he waited
while I double-checked the dates

288
00:18:51,034 --> 00:18:55,163
and tried to get all the details
right, and then...

289
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,387
he wrote this.

290
00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:07,060
I'm so sorry. I don't know
what to say. Oh, and Hugo...

291
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,191
I'm don't think
they meant to be rude.

292
00:19:13,363 --> 00:19:16,693
Well, you cant deny it's a possibility?...

293
00:19:17,269 --> 00:19:19,632
Im damn shure
they meant to be rude about me

294
00:19:23,835 --> 00:19:25,551
And me!

295
00:19:29,222 --> 00:19:30,912
I told you
it would all end in tears.

296
00:19:31,969 --> 00:19:34,253
You've put yourself
above your own community.

297
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:36,401
You've forgotten
why you came here.

298
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:41,089
Frankly, we feel used
and we feel betrayed.

299
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,428
Have you anything to say?

300
00:19:49,206 --> 00:19:51,943
Well, let's move on, shall we?

301
00:19:52,718 --> 00:19:54,044
It's a sad day.

302
00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:19,992
Oh, Alice,
I've been such a fool.

303
00:20:20,638 --> 00:20:23,401
How am I ever going to sort
this mess out?

304
00:20:25,721 --> 00:20:30,819
Well, I do have one idea
that I think just might work.

305
00:20:32,954 --> 00:20:35,889
Really? Mm-mm.
Let's hear it, then.

306
00:20:36,509 --> 00:20:41,544
There was this man on TV
and his girlfriend was quite ill.

307
00:20:41,644 --> 00:20:43,339
In fact, she was dead.

308
00:20:44,967 --> 00:20:48,198
What he did was...
It was quite clever, really.

309
00:20:48,736 --> 00:20:52,709
..he flew up into outer space and
he flew round the world so quickly

310
00:20:52,909 --> 00:20:55,399
that he made time go backwards,

311
00:20:56,328 --> 00:20:58,919
so the girl actually
got better again,

312
00:20:59,019 --> 00:21:02,746
and I thought maybe
you could do the same thing,

313
00:21:03,442 --> 00:21:06,165
um...
make everyone like you again.

314
00:21:06,692 --> 00:21:09,356
This man...
was he called Superman?

315
00:21:09,456 --> 00:21:10,568
Yes.

316
00:21:12,245 --> 00:21:16,919
Yeah.... I don't think
that idea's going to work, Alice.

317
00:21:17,019 --> 00:21:20,728
Oh-h. Well, it's plan B, then.
Which is?

318
00:21:20,828 --> 00:21:22,260
Quite clever.

319
00:21:23,252 --> 00:21:24,431
Mm-mm?

320
00:21:24,793 --> 00:21:28,145
You kill yourself.
..Right.

321
00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:29,850
And then everyone will say,

322
00:21:29,950 --> 00:21:34,364
"That's a pity.....
I quite liked her, actually."

323
00:21:36,198 --> 00:21:38,733
Anything else,
a little less... final?

324
00:21:39,418 --> 00:21:44,021
Well, there's always plan C,
which is my personal favourite.

325
00:21:44,121 --> 00:21:47,549
It all takes place,
on the night of the gala.

326
00:22:20,892 --> 00:22:23,124
Wait for it,
wait for it!

327
00:22:39,534 --> 00:22:43,858
And now an impression
of my second cousin, Wilfred.

328
00:22:45,681 --> 00:22:50,165
Hello, Frank.
I'm going to have my tonsils out.

329
00:22:51,692 --> 00:22:55,588
I've got my shotgun in the van.
-Load both barrels.

330
00:22:55,877 --> 00:23:00,020
And now an impression
of my second cousin, Wilfred,

331
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:03,101
after he had his tonsils out.

332
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,769
Hello, Frank.
I've had my tonsils out.

333
00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:17,234
Get a move on,
you strange and insane idiot!

334
00:23:18,346 --> 00:23:19,568
Right.

335
00:23:19,810 --> 00:23:23,749
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am proud to introduce,

336
00:23:23,849 --> 00:23:26,599
raising money for the nursery,

337
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:33,771
our star guest, in a unique
performance entitled The Mirror,

338
00:23:33,741 --> 00:23:36,285
the star of the Royal Ballet,

339
00:23:36,385 --> 00:23:39,924
Miss Darcey Bussell.

340
00:26:40,244 --> 00:26:43,365
Why would anyone
be stupid enough

341
00:26:43,465 --> 00:26:47,710
to want fame and fortune
when you can have the stars at night

342
00:26:48,010 --> 00:26:50,953
and a proper friend
by your side?

343
00:26:51,696 --> 00:26:53,688
I always make a wish
when I look at the stars.

344
00:27:24,477 --> 00:27:29,690
So, what do you call a budgie that's
been run over by a lawnmower?

345
00:27:29,790 --> 00:27:33,706
I don't know. What DO you call a budgie
that's been run over by a lawnmower?

346
00:27:34,035 --> 00:27:36,955
Shredded tweet.

347
00:27:38,289 --> 00:27:42,695
So the budgie's dead? Yes, I should
think so. It's shredded tweet.

348
00:27:45,184 --> 00:27:49,851
Poor little thing! It didn't
even see the lawnmower coming.

349
00:27:50,205 --> 00:27:52,922
How could it know that
death was just round the corner?

350
00:27:53,168 --> 00:27:55,679
Alice, look, I'm not going to
tell you these jokes anymore

351
00:27:55,779 --> 00:27:57,997
if you keep on
responding like this.

352
00:27:58,291 --> 00:28:01,545
It's not a real budgie, okey.
It's not a real lawnmower.

353
00:28:01,645 --> 00:28:03,727
It's just a joke.

354
00:28:03,846 --> 00:28:07,237
So the budgie's not dead?
No, it never got born.

355
00:28:07,646 --> 00:28:09,599
Never got born?
-No.

356
00:28:11,727 --> 00:28:14,201
Poor little thing!

357
00:28:14,570 --> 00:28:19,938
Oh, so much beauty, so much
potential, it never got born.

358
00:28:20,345 --> 00:28:22,863
Never saw the light of the sun,

359
00:28:22,963 --> 00:28:26,805
or felt the gentle rustle
of the breeze through its feathers.

360
00:28:27,424 --> 00:28:30,340
Never went, "Twiggle, twiggle,
twiggle, give me my cuddle, please."

361
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:33,846
Get out now! Go on,
GET OUT!

362
00:28:33,896 --> 00:28:38,446
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